special post =)

this post is for the purpose to reply the below post's comments. ehehe. because i found its too long to be a comment.

first of all, thanks for all the bloggers that always care about me. and actually sometimes more than what my friends do. but that doesn't mean they didn't care at all. they sometimes are already busy with their own heart matters. and for that reasons, im always tanpa segan silu expressed my feeling through this free services. its all free. the internet connection is paid by my brother. so, there's nothing to worry about..

btw, ive decided to pack all my 'memory' with stone cold. letak dalam kotak. all the pictures and stuff (or should i burn all the things out??) and i will delete his number INSYAALLAH. walaupun nombor phone dia dah kekal azali dalam ingatan. but that doesn't mean i cant give it a try. ive think about this the whole night semalam. sampai tak boleh tidur. emm, he left a really really really big impact in my life.

and today, i read the comments. macam tau-tau pulak..

seriously, im picking up the pieces of me. pick all up one by one. one, two, three, four, five. day by day. and try to accumulate and join them together. sometimes it breaks again and decreases back to four, three, two. and only ALLAH knows how hurt i am to pick it back for the second time. its like you picking up the broken pieces of glasses on the floor. if you are not really careful, or you don't use the right devices you might hurt your hand. and turn the story back to my broken heart, it maybe decreases again and again. and i have to pick it up again, and again and again. and im hurting myself through the process. im hurt when i have to fool myself. when i have to lie to my mindset that stone cold is not in my heart. because stone cold is always there. every day, every minute, every beat of my heart. for already three years.

what else should i do? i never pray to have him. after solat, i never ask to have him. i ask ALLAH to take him far, far away from my heart. far away from having my love. because to love him is the same like to put my own heart in a blender. it blends all part of my heart into a very, very tiny pieces until you cant even hold it with your fingers. i do not want to love him any more. any longer. and i know, im only 20. there are lots of, lots of things to accomplish. but what can i do when he's always there? is that my fault? cant i accomplish my missions if im in love, btw? stone cold was the one who 'pushed' me to open my mind, to get out from ayer lanas, to excel in my spm and not to be lembik sangat. the one that gives me incredible spirit to go through my life. so yeah, big big impact of stone cold. but still, is it my fault?

it is my fault kan?

like we all malays love to say,

"padan muka. sapa suruh......"

kan? it is my fault. yes, it is me to be blame.

padan muka hazrini...

kak mar,
thanks for your care and advice. entahlah kak mar. tak dapek den nak nolong nyo.
yes,..kak mar. im too young to fall in love. and sometimes i think i don't deserve to be loved. but come to think, love is love whether you are old or young. because feeling never gets older or younger. as feeling has no age at all.

and i know, im not that lucky to have him. to have all the things that i want in my life. sebab yang kita nak tu tak semestinya yang terbaik buat kita kan? ALLAH lebih tau apa yang terbaik buat kita. i know, i wont have him. thats why i do not want to love him anymore and i never ask to have him. im only asking for his happiness.

but thanks kak mar. its all about life kan? this is what we call life.

this is the life hazrini. you like it or not, ini yang dah tersurat dan semestinya yang tersirat itu yang terbaik dan akan membahagiakan. ALLAH maha penyayang.

kak yana,
thanks to kak yana jugak. yaa, im still young. too young. that makes me worry about myself. hihi. ive put myself in a big trouble. INSYAALLAH, i will always remember that ALLAH is with me.

come kak yana, shopping!!!

orang kata, kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana kan? sorang di jepun, sorang di ireland pun akhirnya akan jumpa jugak kalau dah memang di suratkan takdir dan walaupun dah terpisah berpuluh-puluh tahun. kalau ALLAH berkehendakkan sesuatu, sesiapa pun tak boleh nak menghalang dan argue.

begitu jugak kalau tak de jodoh. pun tak kan kemana jugak. berjalan berselisih bahu pun tak kan perasan kalau dah memang jodoh tu tak de. sebelah rumah pun tak kan bertemu mata kalau dah tersurat macam tu. buat la macamana pun, tak kan dapat kalau ALLAH dah berkehendakkan macam tu.

so, hazrini.
this is a phase of life. learn from it. so it wont never happen again in the future. buka mata seluasnya...

p/s : INSYAALLAH, ill pack all his stuff. letak dalam box. ikat ketat2, buang ke laut.. ='(

done!